ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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