I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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