note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
