didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
