i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
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Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
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I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
And then he peed in my hair
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