DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
