I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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