I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
