My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
