You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
