nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
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