just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
