I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
