Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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