Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
