Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
