Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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