the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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