Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
