i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
