She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
