Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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