Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
