i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
