before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
