i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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