nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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