I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
