no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
