and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
