I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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