Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He shit in the fireplace
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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