we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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