Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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