Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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