Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
