oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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