My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
