If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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