My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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