i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I know her cup size but not her name....
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