just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
