I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
