The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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