She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
