Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
He passed out mid-signature
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Randomize
