It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
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As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
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WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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