I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
