why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
