look no pants
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Still dying that you shit outside
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
