If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
