The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
