i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
