i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
