I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
