Cold hands, warm shart.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
