Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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