I will die if light touches me.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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