I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
