I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
