Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
